For far too long, film scholars, queer theorists, and lay enjoyers of science fiction schlock have debated one age-old question: is every movie robot gay? To investigate this question, I've embarked on a highly scientific study to determine once and for all which of these famous robots actually play for the other team.
Let's get into it.
HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey):
HAL may not have invented being a gay movie robot, but he certainly perfected it. What he DID invent was being a gay movie robot who has crazyyy sexual tension with his human companions. Like, what do you mean you have a "stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman"? ծ_Ô
Gort (The Day the Earth Stood Still):
Gort is gay in a middle-aged English teacher kind of way. He's big and stiff and awkward, but he's also friend-shaped and exudes an air of quiet understanding. He'd be a comforting presence in the lives of all the other gay little robots, and he'd let them hang out in his classroom during Lunch.
R2-D2 & C-3PO (Star Wars):
If this isn't a bickering old couple in a 20-year civil union, I don't know what is. You may think that the ending of Episode IV is an award ceremony or something, but little known fact: it's actually Artoo and Threepio's gay wedding. And I couldn't be happier for them.
T-800 (The Terminator):
Strictly heterosexual. I just think that if a gay person had worn that outfit, they'd have actually pulled it off.
Johnny 5 (Short Circuit):
Johnny 5 is gay in the worst, most obnoxious way possible. He's a Tumblr user. He's a Steven Universe fan. He's the most annoying kid at your theater camp. (And he'd probably get on my case for not spelling it "theatre.")
The Gunslinger (Westworld):
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other.......
Edgar (Electric Dreams):
Edgar is so bisexual that at one point in the movie, he has to choose between a man and a woman, and instead he just fucking explodes. Girl, me too.
PAT (Smart House):
To the untrained eye, PAT may look like a hetero tradwife, but make no mistake--PAT is a textbook high femme lesbian. Like, seriously, everyone I've ever met who actually looks like this is some flavor or another of LGBT. And that's not to mention the tension between her and Sara.....I just know they hooked up at least once.
Rodney Copperbottom (Robots):
Well he's not called CopperBOTTOM for nothing.
Optimus Prime (Transformers):
Ok I'll be honest, I've never actually seen Transformers so I could be totally off base here. But not only is Optimus Prime gay, the rest of the Transformers are as well. In fact, all the Autobots are in one big gay polyamorous relationship with one another. They're very progressive like that.
TARS (Interstellar):
TARS was definitely bi-curious at one point, but he's ultimately straight. He reminds me of those jocks who were always trying wayyy too hard to be the class clown, even though they really weren't that funny. Nice enough guys, usually, just hopelessly heterosexual.
WALL-E & EVE (WALL-E):
They're lesbians, duh. The way WALL-E looks at EVE is a look that only the most truly pathetic wet paper towel of a baby butch could muster. And EVE is the archetypal cool femme. They're the blueprint.
Vision (Marvel Cinematic Universe):
This is the worst straight guy you know. He always thinks he's subverting gender roles by not participating in stereotypically masculine traditions or whatever, but he's still so toxically masculine himself that it cancels out. Like he'll say "go sportsball" at a Super Bowl party, but then turn around and shame you for not knowing enough Star Wars trivia or something.
Marvin the Paranoid Android (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy):
Only a gay person could truly exhibit this much angst.
M3GAN (M3GAN):
I know gay people love M3GAN, so this is going to be controversial, but.....M3GAN is the quintessential straight woman. She has the aura of a new money Instagram influencer who peddles $75 skincare products, which is like, the straightest job a girl can have in this economy. (She WOULD be an ally though, don't worry.)
Obviously this list is not exhaustive, but if I sat here trying to list every single movie robot with even the vaguest of homosexual tendencies, I'd be here all night. Because, as I've hopefully established by now, the vast majority of movie robots are, in fact, definitively gay. And that, my friend, is the beauty of robot cinema. Quod erat demonstrandum.
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